My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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