Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
