I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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