Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
