I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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