Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
