Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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