I can text with my tongue
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
