I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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