So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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