my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
