$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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