To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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