FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
