i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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