A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
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I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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