the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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