i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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