i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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