I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
