if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
