every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
