I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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