watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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