Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
