so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
