i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
