My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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