i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
