I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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