Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
