im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
