I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
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he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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