The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
