I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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