i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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