so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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