Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
