OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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