it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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