you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
