i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
