i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Randomize
