The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
