Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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