Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
