I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
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I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
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Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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