I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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