Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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