just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
