i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
