Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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