words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
try to milk me bitch
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
