god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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