Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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