I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My cat gives me a boner
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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