I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
