just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
