I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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