If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
